Killing myself slowly

14. 02. 2020 (stuffs from the vault)

I am killing myself slowly and meticulously.

With every decision I make, every turn I take, I leave more and more of myself behind.

It is a special kind of suicide that my subconscious has designed for me,

And I am only beginning to acknowledge it's existence and it's subsequent consequences.

I used to casually talk about restarting my life with another identity,

Little did I know that I had every intention of taking that fantasy literally.

I try to recall the person in my body from 2 years ago and I get amused.

I try to remember the person in my meat suit just 1 year ago and I cannot even fathom that we share the same life.

The curve has been pretty steep down under. . 

It's brilliant how I have managed to kill the best parts about myself over the years.

I joked about being a psychopath or a sociopath and it used to give me the chills at it's prospect of being a reality.

If only I realised that I have been right all along except that I am only interested in harming the very body that I live in.

That I've become the parasite that has been feeding on myself.

I have perfected the art of self-hatred so precisely that I have seamlessly managed to stitch itself into my own fabric.

It started with the murder of 'faith in my own self'.

'Motivation' quickly followed.

Then came the death of 'optimism'.

And before I knew my entire 'self-esteem' came crashing down.

"SYSTEM FAILURE" screamed in the screens of my brain.

Oh how glorious was the fall! It was a sheer spectacle indeed..

I always did have a flare for drama!

The more I tried to rebuild myself, the more dead ends I began to hit.

Almost as if, everything I touch slowly end up dying.

What kind of virus did I infect myself with?

I just came across this post that said "Healing from trauma requires a Foundation of Safety. Without it, you often end up re-traumatizing yourself"

That made a lot of sense in a way.

I have tried to change my tactics sure, but I have not really tried to work on my own self in a long time.

I tried to change my surroundings, every permutations and combinations or it. Futile.

See it was easier to pull myself back up when I was home. Because I had a solid foundation of support system, in however capacity.

Here, the only person I can completely lean on is Myself, who is not as reliable as I'd hoped.

So here's me, hoping to get it right this time around.

I'm not giving up on you buddy.

I will pull you up, no matter how many strings I have to pull to get there.

I will alter my tactics ever so subtly everytime so I don't miss the sweet spot that brings me back to life.

You will resurrect, I promise you that.

It won't be easy but it's not impossible.

I will bet on you every time with everything I've got.

I would choose to be you in every lifetime, with all your drama, don't care about the odds!

Period.

Until next time, live a little :(: