Hard pill to swallow..

Quite often I have felt like a stranger in my own life. Then I came across the concept of "Imposter Syndrome"!

Now I have struggled with this concept for a while and have repeatedly come to the conclusion that I am not qualified to go through this as I have achieved next to nothing to remotely feel like an imposter. Except I do, but I reasoned it must be a sub-standard/mediocre version of it, like my general vibe! The regular narrative for people suffering from imposter syndrome is that they are an over-achiever who doesn't feel like one and constantly feels like they'll be exposed of that fact sooner or later. So naturally I didn't relate to that aspect since, well I ain't no kind of achiever. Period. 

Incidentally I came across a couple of videos recently (classic!) that has made me rethink about my understanding of this concept.

So the revised school of thought (as I've come to understand) digs a little deeper into one's childhood and talks about the origin story for feeling like an imposter in their own lives from the time they were a kid. This elaborates on the kid's inability to relate to their own parents and the subsequent feeling of alienation that is borne out of it in spite of growing up in their own house. Now boy, do I relate to that!

From being convinced that I'm adopted as a 6y/o, just so I could make sense of this gap that disconnects me from my supposed "creators", to feeling like I belonged to a different place/time, zone/race, my identity has always been under scrutiny in my own eyes.

Ofcourse none of this was a conscious choice, it's the result of being compelled to filter yourself to attune your behaviour with your surroundings, and as a kid, you just really REALLY want to blend in. You adopt all these defense mechanisms in order to get there. You school yourself to censor yourself around everyone, be whoever they need you to be, but then you read and suddenly you don't feel so unique anymore. Somebody wrote stories based on people like you! So you are valid? There are more of you? But wait, that's because it's written in a different country, or it's fiction, you cook up stories all the time but none of them are real. So maybe, that's what's happening here! But still, while you may not be as alone as you thought you were, it's still not time to be yourself, so keep toning yourself down.

But hey, look at these girls you share your room with in this dingy ass place that you call your hostel, how can they hear your thoughts? Or are they thinking what you are thinking? How can that be? You were supposedly one-of-a-kind! Wait wait wait, too soon too soon. Don't blossom yet! But it's been too long, and you've too little room to be you, you can't hold it in anymore, the real YOU threatens to unleash itself, lest it be deformed forever! And guess what? The world didn't perish! You still have those same friends, you are welcomed! Is that what miracle is?

You feel a little more comfortable wearing your own skin in more places, and you rediscover your old friends and you bond better over it. Who knew imperfection and authenticity could be so epiphanous, if only you could unlearn how to bottle yourself up sooner!

You almost made it, had a good run for a couple of years. And now it's time to buckle up and make your own moves.

Old habits die hard, they say. See the thing about "pattern" is that it's not an easy thing to notice in yourself. Probably why therapy is so widely recommended for EVERYONE. You don't notice the spiral when you have no one to remind you of who you are, especially when your tendency to camouflage yourself is literally your coping mechanism. Just subtle compromises on your own identity here and there, not massive enough to be noticeable by you  because lord knows how much you practise at being woke about these things.

You are a keen observer who reads people for a hobby, you are self-critical to a fault, you are passionate about being empathetic, and above all, you advocate for self-love more than anything else in the world. So clearly You, of all people, cannot be pretending to be someone who is not? No no no, there is a glitch in this matrix!

But it is what it is, there is no room for denial in your conscience anymore. You want to be more yourself now, but you've already established your face for somebody else.

Oh wait, there's still that option of faking your death and starting all over again in some remote new place, but nop! That's not an adult move at all, they said. That fantasy has run it's course and besides, it's just denial in diffferent clothing. Now is the time to woman up and just learn how to be yourself beyond your cucoon.

And that might just be the simplest thing you do, because it literally involves you not trying to be anyone else but yourself. Although it may not be the easiest. You are going to lose a little bit of people on the way, all part of the process, but you will definitely gain a lot more peace of mind. That should be motivation enough, right?

chameleon

So in conclusion, you may not be an over-achiever, but if you feel like an imposter in your own life, you can, like everything else, learn to unlearn and undo your coping mechanisms from your childhood. It would require a lot of self-reflection that would be way out of your comfort zone and include tonnes of poking and prodding into your own childhood traumas, but it sure would feel awesome to not only live your own life but also be in charge of it for a change, wouldn't it?

(pssst... control is an illusion ;))