Tears

The onset of tears swelling up is quite fascinating. I was watching Afterlife when some scene got me all teary, as per ussh, and I felt my tear ducts swell up. I felt a sort of sensation around my eyes like how the pipes might feel when we turn on a tap and hear a gurgle before water actually comes out of it, if pipes were capable of feeling. I am not sure what it was about that particular time that made me want to observe it, but curiosity got the better of me I guess. 

It’s not painful, just a sensation of something about to come out and then came the water out of my eyes and it felt like a release. Muscles around the eyes still felt a bit sore. And after a while, I was back to normal cause my attention went back to the show and all was as it was.

As I was observing this I thought if I want, I can stop this from falling! That would make it make sense, because what is the point of understanding something if not to gain some sort of control over it?

That thought was immediately followed by, why is true Control always associated with being able to stop something from happening? What if control is just about objectively observing something happening without introducing ourselves in its midst? Does that make us a passive passenger in our own lives? Is this what rabbit holes are? Am I digging myself right into it as I think? Is this normal?

Does the universe operate through sarcasm??

Like if you drink and don’t get drunk then you are hailed as legend, but if the point of drinking was not to get drunk, then why waste that drink at all? In my universe this type of behaviour would be bullied out of your existence!

If you have a shitty personality and still get good grades, the shitty behaviour is sort of brushed under the carpet for you’re doing something “right”. If this aint sarcastic, I honestly cannot tell you what else is.

Our idea of right is soo wrong! 

Is it just me? Like everyone complains about their existence. Ofcourse some of us are just wired to be unable to experience happiness in their lives and that is the biggest tragedy of it all. And then there are some of us who are capable of seeing the good but that’s “bullied out of their existence” because you gotto toughen up to thrive here. And then there’s some of us who seeing the greatness that still persists despite the reality trying to rip it off every second of their existence.

It’s starting to make sense why monks stay out of touch from the rest of the world. Because they are human, and therefore just as equally impressionable. My younger self in her early spiritual journey used to be tormented by this notion a lot, but I am finally starting to see some merit in it.

The world has been run by jerks and hence jerk behaviour has been rewarded. Of course no one were consciously being a jerk, they just thought that was for the best for the world. But now we are starting to wake up to the fact how wrong we were then.

It also makes me wonder how I dissociate from that while I criticise the current order of things.

Maybe I should complete that book on philosophy after all.

Until next time, live a little :(:

P.S.: Sorry if you're coming from instagram to see me dance. I was talking more of brain-dance to be super candid :)